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Chick’s Pick: RoboCop (2014)

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Let’s face it: Hollywood is out of fucking ideas. They will make a movie based on a fucking Milton Bradley board game or a fourth-tier superhero named Vegetable Man before they come up with anything fucking original. BUT WHO CAN BLAME THEM? Just look at my Jupiter Ascending review. Whenever they try to actually do something original THEY GET SKY-SURFING SPACE WEREWOLVES. Here is a scene from my screenplay “Development Hell” WHICH I AM TOTALLY FUCKING MAKING INTO A MOVIE TOMORROW.

DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE #1

Oh my God, Robert Rodriguez wants to do a Latin cowboy movie starring George Lopez and fucking Spielberg just pitched me a concentration camp musical with Tom Hanks and Drew Barrymore.

DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE #2

Jesus Christ I want to fucking kill myself.

DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE #1

Hang on! I’ve got it. Let’s just remake Doc Hollywood.

DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE #2

Sounds good, I’ll call accounting.

These days, MOVIE STUDIOS NEED TO ROLL WITH THE SHIT THAT WORKS. Or with something that worked in the past — like RoboCop from 1987! The only thing I remember about that fucking movie is that some guy melts his face in a vat of radioactive acid. My brother showed me that scene when I was a kid AND IT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME FOR YEARS. To this day whenever I see a barrel or big trash can I GIVE THAT SHIT A WIDE FUCKING BERTH. Anyway, the original RoboCop was directed by Paul Verhoeven, a guy who has surprised audiences with his ability to inject witty satire into his sci-fi productions (Total Recall, Starship Troopers) along with his ability to make HORRIBLE FUCKING GARBAGE (Showgirls, Hollow Man). So I guess what I’m saying is that WHEN YOU GO TO THE PAUL VERHOEVEN WELL FOR YOUR REMAKE MATERIAL BETTER MAKE SURE YOU ARE GOING TO THE RIGHT FUCKING ONE.

barrels

So anyway the original RoboCop was pretty good and at least Hollywood went to the right source for a remake. NICE WORK GUYS EVERYONE GETS RAISES. The story and concept of the new film, from what I can piece together from memory, is pretty much in line with the original movie. Detroit cop is undercover and in real fucking deep. He’s going to expose corruption that goes all the way up the goddamn food chain. As a result, he gets his ass killed and his wife and son are like, ALL SAD AND SHIT. Then a big mean corporation (OmniCorp LOL) swoops in and declares WE CAN SAVE YOUR HUSBAND’S LIFE BUT WE WILL TURN HIM INTO A ROBOT. Wife says, “Sure, sign me up for RoboSpouse. Make sure you give him A BIG FUCKING METAL COCK.” And the corporation is like, “Okay. Is the cock circumcised?”

This scenario, which takes place in the “near future” of 2028 TO MAKE IT MORE PLAUSIBLE, is actually a pretty fucking great set-up for a movie. It establishes a believable context in which a human/robot hybrid person might actually exist. The film even builds successfully on the premise by asking questions like:

  • Where does a cyborg’s humanity end and its artificiality begin?
  • What is the societal cost of attempting to remove the human element from law enforcement?
  • Does preserving the safety of the masses justify the destruction of a single person and his family?
  • What happens when your dad/husband is the property of a heartless corporation that only wants to make money?

And so on. These are very interesting questions, people! DEEP QUESTIONS. But here is the problem: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING IN A MOVIE CALLED ROBOCOP?!?!?!

feels

The movie is called ROBOCOP, not ANGSTYCOP. RoboCop (1987) was a crazy action movie with a dash of humorous commentary, but mostly IT WAS A CRAZY FUCKING ACTION MOVIE WITH MELTING PEOPLE AKA HUMOROUS COMMENTARY. RoboCop (2014), much to its detriment, WANTS IT BOTH FUCKING WAYS. It wants to be both a high-minded science-fiction parable AND a movie starring a ROBOT COP THAT SHOOTS MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE FACE. I can appreciate the ambition here but THIS IS A DELICATE FUCKING TIGHTROPE TO WALK, requiring a director with significantly more skill than Jose Padilha (the guy who directed this shit) to pull it off. Needless to say, RoboCop doesn’t make it very fucking far along the tightrope. RoboCop actually takes a few steps and starts to wobble. Then RoboCop falls on the fucking crowd, killing two, injuring three, and requiring a full refund for all attendees PLUS A FUCKING FREE BAG OF POPCORN on the way out. Everyone thinks popcorn is a cash cow but the FUCKING MARGINS ARE SLIM and you’d be surprised what the distributors are charging these days THOSE ASSHOLES. So THAT SHIT HURTS when RoboCop falls on you. BELIEVE IT.

Anyway the short version is that RoboCop is attempting a “chocolate in my peanut butter” approach, mashing up SMART SCIENCE FICTION with STUPID DUMB ACTION and only does a fair-to-middling job at either one. In fact there are only like three action scenes in the whole fucking movie and in most of them ROBOCOP JUST WALKS THE FUCK AROUND A DARK WAREHOUSE. Jesus fuck, we couldn’t even get A FUTURISTIC DARK WAREHOUSE? The action is really boring, up until the end, at which point it becomes CGI-heavy and fucking fake, but less boring. RoboCop whiffs on the action, but actually gets the sci-fi part better, due in large part to the strong cast. My man Jose was able to sign up a whole bunch of acting powerhouses here, not to mention a pretty good list of supporting players: Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Earle Haley. Seriously, these guys FUCKING NAIL IT BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING PROS. They are such pros that they can hang with Omar from The Wire, who is the best actor of all time AND HIS NAME IS MICHAEL KENNETH WILLIAMS BUT HE WILL ALWAYS BE FUCKING OMAR TO ME. Even Jay Baruchel, in a small role as a marketing sleazebag, is awesome. You might forget for a minute that the movie is called RoboCop, which is about a ROBOT FUCKING COP, RIGHT? WHY ISN’T THERE MORE ROBOT COP ALL UP IN THIS BITCH SHOOTING GUYS IN THE FUCKING DICK?!?!?

For the record, here is RoboCop shooting guys in the fucking dick:

So I will tell you why RoboCop isn’t RoboCoppy enough: they cast a virtual unknown (Joel Kinnaman) in the title role, and he’s just not up to the task. Maybe THEY ACTUALLY WANTED ROBOTIC ACTING when casting a robot cop, but let me just tell you that THIS CREATIVE INSTINCT DID NOT PAN THE FUCK OUT THE WAY THEY WANTED. Joel Kinnaman — though not a bad actor, and quite possibly a GOOD ACTOR in his native Sweden — is simply unremarkable in every FUCKING WAY IMAGINABLE. He lends the hero little pathos, little humanity, and almost no badassery. Seriously, watch the beginning and TELL ME HE IS A GOOD FUCKING COP. He is a stupid, terrible cop! Why isn’t Omar AKA partner of RoboCop turning into RoboCop? NOW THAT IS SHIT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE BUT I AM TOO FUCKING LAZY TO PHOTOSHOP OMAR’S FACE ON ROBOCOP’S BODY.

Anyway poor Joel Kinnaman, in his defense he DOES HAVE some pretty steep acting challenges in this movie, like when he sees his body (such as it is) for the first fucking time after his accident:

robo lungs

Acting!

All I can say is: YIKES. They turn THAT into a fucking cop? FUCKING GROSS. Truth is that OmniCorp really missed an opportunity here. They should have licensed RoboCop to Vicks for LIKE A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS because that shit is MASCOT MONEY, PLAYA.

vicks-vapocop

Vicks brought to you by VapoCop (TM)

So yeah poor Joel Kinnaman, he needs to be the heart of this movie BUT HE’S ONLY HEAD AND LUNGS LOL. Peter Weller totally held it down in the original movie but Kinnaman can’t do the same, so that duty is passed along to Gary Oldman. Good ol’ Gary Oldman, last seen yelling at CGI apes in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is now yelling at CGI anatomical nightmares in RoboCop which is my way of saying GARY OLDMAN HAS COME A LONG FUCKING WAY SINCE BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA. Gary Oldman is legitimately great in this stupid fucking movie, he actually makes the whole enterprise of turning a person into a machine something loaded with scientific complexity and moral ambiguity. He’s almost a fucking genius until HE ORDERS THE ENTIRE DETROIT POLICE DATABASE UPLOADED TO ROBOCOP’S BRAIN LIKE 30 FUCKING SECONDS BEFORE HE IS GOING TO BE UNVEILED TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC AT A PRESS CONFERENCE. This is a gigantic asshole move and quite frankly the entire movie went out the fucking window for me at this point. Anyone who is not a fucking retarded idiot knows that the time to make drastic changes to your really fucking important presentation is NOT 30 FUCKING SECONDS BEFORE YOUR REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT PRESENTATION.

Everyone, apparently, except Gary Fucking Oldman in RoboCop.

So as usual this movie is loaded with bullshit but it’s also a pretty good watch. You can see it on Netflix and Amazon Prime streaming right now, so NO MORE EXCUSES, YOU BIG PUSSY. My feeling about RoboCop is basically the same as my feeling about losing my virginity: WELL THAT SHIT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT WORSE.

Chick’s Pick: Black Mirror

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No, I didn’t fuck up my resolution. I know I created this blog like two weeks ago, and then I didn’t post shit. SO WHAT. No one is reading it yet. I just got back from class and realized I have a window of opportunity, so here we are. HAPPY NOW ASSHOLES?

Unless you are currently in an induced coma, someone you know has probably come up to you recently and said, “OH MY GOD HAVE YOU WATCHED BLACK MIRROR?” If you are not in a coma, you probably reply, “No. What the fuck is Black Mirror?” If you are not in a coma, but you are an asshole, you reply, “Yes it came out like five years ago on the BBC, where have you been?” Then you sigh heavily, roll your eyes, and go back to reading your anime graphic novel about homosexual pirates or whatever AND I PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING EAR FOR BEING A NERD FUCKTARD.

Anyway. At least one person in the last month has posted on your Facebook: “OMG. Mind, consider yourself blown.” And then a link to Black Mirror on Netflix. I know this to be the case. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. But in the event that you have not somehow heard of Black Mirror, let me describe this shit to you: Black Mirror is an anthology sci-fi/horror show, a la The Twilight Zone, that deals with the theme of how technology influences our lives today, mostly by imagining how technology MIGHT influence our lives in the not-too-distant future. AKA THIS SHIT IS TOPICAL. Some British guy was walking down the street all like, “Blimey, I spend more time texting me mates than actually meeting them for a pint. THIS WOULD MAKE A GREAT SHOW FOR THE TELLY!” Then he doffed his hat, said “Cheerio!” and flew off into the sky clutching an umbrella BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY DO WHEN THEY MAKE SHOWS FOR THE BBC. “I’ve uploaded meself to the cloud wot wot!”

If you’re not an old person you may never have heard of The Twilight Zone. That is fine. I am here to guide you. One of the most famous Twilight Zone episodes was about an old guy who only wants to read books. That’s all he wants to do. Read fucking books. Want to go to the beach? NOPE, JUST BOOKS. Want a handjob? THANKS VERY MUCH BUT BOOKS ARE FINE. How about just a tickle? I FUCKING ALREADY TOLD YOU NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Motherfucker loves his books, in other words. Then the apocalypse arrives. Then this happens:

I CALL BULLSHIT FOR SO MANY REASONS. First of all, HE STILL NEEDS TO EAT. If he doesn’t have any food or water, he will only be reading books for about the next 48 hours, and then only after that in EXTREME FUCKING DISCOMFORT. So okay, let’s assume he raids the grocery store and can eat for a good long time. Or forever. Doesn’t matter. Point is: there is a grocery store. And if there is a grocery store…then THERE IS A FUCKING LENSCRAFTERS. Just get another pair of glasses, asshole. Finally, he sat down funny on the steps and SUDDENLY HIS GLASSES FLY OFF AND SHATTER IN A MILLION FUCKING PIECES. What were glasses made of back then? Tissue paper? And also: fuck this guy, he can’t SIT DOWN ON STEPS without his glasses flying off his face like a fucking retard?

The Twilight Zone is old bullshit, in other words. Don’t worry about it.

Anyway, Black Mirror. It’s pretty cool. But check this out: there are only six episodes. “Oh, so it’s like a miniseries?” asks a reasonable fucking person. NOPE. Those six episodes are TWO SEASONS of Black Mirror. “Sorry, Guv!” says Black Mirror. “You’re daft if you think I’m doing more than three bloody episodes this season!” Well I say: FUCK YOU, BLACK MIRROR. You are barely one half of a season, so FUCK OFF. You are like the pimple on the tip of Law & Order‘s dick. You are six one-hour episodes, and you are FULL OF FUCKING SHIT. Please do not hand me a leaf of lettuce and tell me it is a club fucking sandwich. I WILL KILL YOU AND THE WHOLE MIRROR FAMILY.

Here is Black Mirror putting the finishing touches on a house.

Here is Black Mirror putting the finishing touches on a house.

So if you can get past the idea that six episodes are TWO SEASONS of this show (LOL) then you will probably enjoy yourself. All the episodes are pretty fucking interesting. AND YES I KNOW THERE IS A CHRISTMAS EPISODE STARRING DON DRAPER BUT IT IS NOT ON NETFLIX SO FUCK OFF. Here is a summary of the first six episodes of Black Mirror. SPOILER ALERT: THERE ARE NO MIRRORS.

BLACK MIRROR SUMMARY:

  1. “The National Anthem” — a princess gets kidnapped and she will die unless the Prime Minister fucks a pig in the ass on national television. I WOULD FUCK A PIG FOR FREE. Whatever, social media, blah blah blah.
  2. “Fifteen Million Merits” — it’s the future and everyone rides stationary bikes for a living. But if they win American Idol, they don’t have to ride the bike anymore. But they might have to become a porn star. THIS MEANS SOMETHING.
  3. “The Entire History of You” — it’s the future and everyone records everything they see on a chip behind their ear. It would seem to me that the criminal justice system would be a teensy bit different in this world, but no it’s all about WHO IS MY WIFE FUCKING?
  4. “Be Right Back” — this lady with nice tits loses her husband in a car crash so she uses all his social media data to program a robot that acts like him. Maybe if Facebook sluts were programmed with their social media data they would actually GIVE UP THE PUSSY FOR A CHANGE.
  5. “White Bear” — a woman wakes up in a room and she doesn’t know where she is and then suddenly people are shooting at her and then she escapes but then she winds up in the room and does it all over again. Fucking stupid.
  6. “The Waldo Moment” — this is where my avatar comes from. Waldo is a cartoon character voiced by a stand-up comic. Waldo tells everyone to go fuck themselves, and then suddenly he is elected president. THIS IS MY DESIRED CAREER PATH.

Black Mirror is interesting and well-done, but like most things that idiots gush over, IT IS NOT THE BEST FUCKING THING EVER MADE. (That honor still goes to Dreamcatcher, starring the space worm that came out of Jason Lee’s asshole.) Each episode of Black Mirror feels like its own little mini-movie, which makes it an excellent choice for a quick watch here and there. If you binge-watch them all at once, probably the individual episodes will lose some of their impact. But: if you happen to be one of those people that has been wanting a show about old British dudes fucking farm animals THEN YOUR SHIP HAS FUCKING COME IN.