Chick’s Double Pick: The Human Centipede (First Sequence) and Tusk

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) and Tusk (2014) are the same goddamn movie, except that Human Centipede is an inspired (but painfully fucked up) horror movie, and Tusk is directed by Kevin Smith so it is a cinematic dung heap. LET’S TALK ABOUT THEM. Here is why they are the same fucking movie:

  • Protagonist(s) lost in foreign land
  • Old white weirdo comes to the rescue
  • SURGERY
  • Travesty of medicine mocks nature, intelligence
  • Everyone throws up
  • THE END

centipede journey

I really dig this narrative arc, it’s like Joseph Campbell’s monomyth as interpreted by a fucking mental patient. “GUYS WHAT IF THE HERO’S SUPREME ORDEAL IS ABOUT HAVING HIS NECK SURGICALLY EXTENDED TO RESEMBLE A GIRAFFE’S?” And George Lucas was in fucking film school with this dumb idiot and he leans over to Spielberg and he whispers like, “I just want to make fun space stories.” And fucking Spielberg goes, “You know, he might have something if the Giraffe Person is just an ordinary Giraffe Person destined for something greater.” And then George Lucas has a fucking EUREKA MOMENT and comes up with a Jedi named G’raff P’rrson WHO IS WISE IN THE WAYS OF THE FORCE AND ALSO HAS A SIX-FOOT NECK.

100% medically accurate.

THAT REALLY HAPPENED I HEARD IT IN AN INTERVIEW ONCE. Anyway, let’s start with Human Centipede. Super fun movie. The Human Centipede (First Sequence), as directed by Tom Six (totally his REAL NAME LOL), was a meme before there were memes. It came out way, way back in 2009, long before Scumbag Steve and Good Guy Greg were hanging out on Reddit giving karma to Foul Bachelor Frog’s upvotes. (Actually I have no fucking idea if this is true but 2009 does feel like a long fucking time ago AND I DON’T HAVE THE FUCKING PATIENCE TO RESEARCH THE HISTORY OF SCUMBAG STEVE.) Just roll with me, okay? I AM MAKING A FUCKING POINT. The point is that “The Human Centipede” (as a concept) was internalized and understood by audiences way before “The Human Centipede” (as a movie) even came out. IT WAS AN INSTANT INTERNET PUNCHLINE. That is because the concept was fucking OUT THERE. It was so gross that it was OUT THERE while also being FUCKING HILARIOUS. It was, “OMG some guy made a movie about surgically connecting three people A2M. THAT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING LOL HAVE AN UPVOTE.” What we actually have here is GENIUS MARKETING. The hilarious/gross nature of the high concept — combined with director Six’s assertion that the film was “100% medically accurate” — was undeniable cinematic catnip. PEOPLE WANTED TO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

And yet, in a way, the marketing may have been — dare I say it — TOO FUCKING GOOD? Meaning that due to the already high awareness level of the film, MANY PEOPLE FELT LIKE THEY HAD ALREADY SEEN THE GODDAMN MOVIE. Granted, this may have been a convenient way of getting out of ACTUALLY HAVING TO FUCKING WATCH a movie about three people who are surgically connected A2M. I mean, only the fucking depraved masses would VOLUNTEER for that kind of experience, right? HERE ARE THE CONVERSATIONS THAT WERE NOT HAPPENING IN LIVING ROOMS ON AN ORDINARY SATURDAY NIGHT IN 2009:

MOM

Oh look here’s a movie with Sandra Bullock having a fun time in couples counseling with James Gandolfini. That sounds goofy! Who’s up for it?

BROTHER

I want to watch the latest Pixar movie about aliens!

SISTER

What about the one about three people being surgically connected A2M* by a homicidal lunatic?

DAD

I love Sandra Bullock!

*According to Wikipedia, A2M may refer to “Alpha-2-Macroglobulin” (a gene with the ability to inhibit all four classes of proteinases by a unique “trapping” mechanism) or “Ass to Mouth” (pulling your dick out of a girl’s ass and shoving it in her mouth). YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT IT MEANS.

Conclusion: before Human Centipede came out, audiences were already divided into two camps. Those who were too-grossed-out-by/felt-like-they-had-already-seen the movie, and those who JUST HAD TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT A HUMAN FUCKING CENTIPEDE. “Chick, which camp were you in?” you might be asking. HAVE A GUESS, MOTHERFUCKER. I was in junior high. I WAS GOING TO SEE THE HUMAN FUCKING CENTIPEDE. Unfortunately for Tom Six and the rest of America, most people were in the former camp. CAN YOU BLAME THEM? Only boys in junior high (and perverts) were going to see this movie. It was a BADGE OF HONOR to see Human Centipede. It was like going on the scariest fucking roller coaster or eating one of those old candies on Grandma’s coffee table. IT WAS THE KIND OF SHIT YOU DO ON A DARE. “Dude, did you hear? Chick saw THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. Fucking rad, dude!” High fives for everyone and then Chick got blown by all the cheerleaders END OF SCENE.

But now it is time to savor the fucking irony: The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is much, much tamer than its scenario would suggest. LISTEN I’M NOT SAYING THAT IT’S THE “MONICA AND RACHEL AND JOEY GET SURGERY” EPISODE OF FRIENDS. The movie is still PLENTY fucked up, okay? But if you are hoping for the sordid voyeurism of a typical slasher flick a la Hostel, you will probably be disappointed. Because despite its bloody premise, Human Centipede is surprisingly light on gore and depicts its grossest moments either off-screen or through the power of narrative suggestion. I HAVE TO TIP MY FUCKING HAT TO TOM SIX ON THIS ONE, PEOPLE. He seriously made me think I was going to see one thing, then totally delivered something else entirely. It is a CLASSIC MISDIRECT and it is fucking brilliant.

sudden clarity centipede

Shit, I have not even gotten to Tusk yet. Let me wrap up Human Centipede for you: HUMAN CENTIPEDE IS THE THINKING MAN’S A2M MOVIE. It is a creepy, scary, disgusting little film with a very creepy, scary and disgusting performance at its core from German actor Dieter Laser, who plays the terrifying and deranged surgeon Dr. Heiter OH OF COURSE HE IS GERMAN. The NAADGS (National Association for the Advancement of Deranged German Surgeons) HAD A FUCKING FIELD DAY WITH THIS MOVIE. Human Centipede obliterates decades of work from that incredible organization! OMG IT’S LIKE MARATHON MAN REDUX TOO SOON. When one of the doctor’s victims (SPOILER ALERT) tries to escape, a demented cat-and-mouse chase results that is so suspenseful and nail-biting THAT I BIT ALL MY FUCKING NAILS OFF AND THEN PEED ON THEM. Jesus I don’t want to keep saying the same fucking shit and it seems like I’m dancing around the point BECAUSE MAYBE I AM but fuck it because (oh God here it comes) THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE IS MAYBE A GOOD MOVIE. It is certainly way, way smarter than you ever thought a movie about surgically connecting three people A2M would be LIKE THAT’S A FUCKING SUB-GENRE NOW.

This message brought to you by NAADGS.

This message brought to you by NAADGS.

MOVING ON! Clarification: the sub-genre is DERANGED SURGERY MOVIES and Kevin Smith’s Tusk is definitely one of those. Tusk also happens to make Human Centipede look like The Good German. TIP: you might have a problem with your deranged surgery movie if your deranged surgery movie makes Human Centipede look like the smart kid in class. Because Tusk is not smart NO SIR. Tusk is very, very stupid. It’s like Tusk was something Kevin Smith came up with on his podcast as a joke and then actually made into a movie as a result of a fucking Twitter campaign OH WAIT IT WAS.

OH MY FUCKING JESUS FUCK KEVIN SMITH AND FUCK THIS MOVIE. This sounds like I have a hate on for Kevin Smith, I really don’t. The movie he made before Tusk, called Red State (2011), is actually pretty good. Like Human Centipede, it is SURPRISINGLY FUCKING GOOD. It might actually be the only good movie that Kevin Smith has ever fucking made. KEVIN SMITH CLEARLY HAS IMPULSE CONTROL ISSUES. Every idea that you come up with WHEN YOU ARE FUCKING STONED ON YOUR IDIOT PODCAST (side note: fuck podcasts) does not need to become a feature fucking film. Certainly not a shitty version of Human Centipede starring “Mac Guy” and a walrus. Just typing this paragraph makes me WANT TO RIP OPEN KEVIN SMITH’S ABDOMEN AND FILL IT WITH VHS COPIES OF DOGMA. Any currency this guy had with me after Red State has been totally fucking spent by Tusk, WITH INTEREST. Kevin Smith, who has basically already said “fuck you” to all aspiring filmmakers by making Clerks II and every other Kevin Smith movie, now adds a TEA BAG to that CURB STOMP by making Tusk, reminding all struggling directors what they WOULD BE FUCKING CAPABLE OF if they had just a little more money and a lot less talent. OH AND ALSO A FUCKING PODCAST.

mac pc walrus

My blood pressure is going up just writing about this piece of shit movie. UNLESS YOU ARE A HARDCORE KEVIN SMITH FAN (OMG) DO NOT SEE TUSK. And if you are in fact a Kevin Smith fan, please do the rest of us a fucking favor and drink a big tall glass of fucking suicide. The less said about it, the better. There is nothing good to say about this film OH WAIT A MINUTE. I take it back. Tusk taught me about the BACULUM, which is the penis bone AND ALSO THE NAME OF MY BLACK METAL BAND WHEN I MAKE ONE. Wait, someone beat me to it?

Shit I guess all the good ideas really are taken. So much for my metal career. Thanks for reading, motherfuckers. CHICK OUT!

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Chick’s Pick: RoboCop (2014)

Let’s face it: Hollywood is out of fucking ideas. They will make a movie based on a fucking Milton Bradley board game or a fourth-tier superhero named Vegetable Man before they come up with anything fucking original. BUT WHO CAN BLAME THEM? Just look at my Jupiter Ascending review. Whenever they try to actually do something original THEY GET SKY-SURFING SPACE WEREWOLVES. Here is a scene from my screenplay “Development Hell” WHICH I AM TOTALLY FUCKING MAKING INTO A MOVIE TOMORROW.

DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE #1

Oh my God, Robert Rodriguez wants to do a Latin cowboy movie starring George Lopez and fucking Spielberg just pitched me a concentration camp musical with Tom Hanks and Drew Barrymore.

DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE #2

Jesus Christ I want to fucking kill myself.

DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE #1

Hang on! I’ve got it. Let’s just remake Doc Hollywood.

DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE #2

Sounds good, I’ll call accounting.

These days, MOVIE STUDIOS NEED TO ROLL WITH THE SHIT THAT WORKS. Or with something that worked in the past — like RoboCop from 1987! The only thing I remember about that fucking movie is that some guy melts his face in a vat of radioactive acid. My brother showed me that scene when I was a kid AND IT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME FOR YEARS. To this day whenever I see a barrel or big trash can I GIVE THAT SHIT A WIDE FUCKING BERTH. Anyway, the original RoboCop was directed by Paul Verhoeven, a guy who has surprised audiences with his ability to inject witty satire into his sci-fi productions (Total Recall, Starship Troopers) along with his ability to make HORRIBLE FUCKING GARBAGE (Showgirls, Hollow Man). So I guess what I’m saying is that WHEN YOU GO TO THE PAUL VERHOEVEN WELL FOR YOUR REMAKE MATERIAL BETTER MAKE SURE YOU ARE GOING TO THE RIGHT FUCKING ONE.

barrels

So anyway the original RoboCop was pretty good and at least Hollywood went to the right source for a remake. NICE WORK GUYS EVERYONE GETS RAISES. The story and concept of the new film, from what I can piece together from memory, is pretty much in line with the original movie. Detroit cop is undercover and in real fucking deep. He’s going to expose corruption that goes all the way up the goddamn food chain. As a result, he gets his ass killed and his wife and son are like, ALL SAD AND SHIT. Then a big mean corporation (OmniCorp LOL) swoops in and declares WE CAN SAVE YOUR HUSBAND’S LIFE BUT WE WILL TURN HIM INTO A ROBOT. Wife says, “Sure, sign me up for RoboSpouse. Make sure you give him A BIG FUCKING METAL COCK.” And the corporation is like, “Okay. Is the cock circumcised?”

This scenario, which takes place in the “near future” of 2028 TO MAKE IT MORE PLAUSIBLE, is actually a pretty fucking great set-up for a movie. It establishes a believable context in which a human/robot hybrid person might actually exist. The film even builds successfully on the premise by asking questions like:

  • Where does a cyborg’s humanity end and its artificiality begin?
  • What is the societal cost of attempting to remove the human element from law enforcement?
  • Does preserving the safety of the masses justify the destruction of a single person and his family?
  • What happens when your dad/husband is the property of a heartless corporation that only wants to make money?

And so on. These are very interesting questions, people! DEEP QUESTIONS. But here is the problem: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING IN A MOVIE CALLED ROBOCOP?!?!?!

feels

The movie is called ROBOCOP, not ANGSTYCOP. RoboCop (1987) was a crazy action movie with a dash of humorous commentary, but mostly IT WAS A CRAZY FUCKING ACTION MOVIE WITH MELTING PEOPLE AKA HUMOROUS COMMENTARY. RoboCop (2014), much to its detriment, WANTS IT BOTH FUCKING WAYS. It wants to be both a high-minded science-fiction parable AND a movie starring a ROBOT COP THAT SHOOTS MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE FACE. I can appreciate the ambition here but THIS IS A DELICATE FUCKING TIGHTROPE TO WALK, requiring a director with significantly more skill than Jose Padilha (the guy who directed this shit) to pull it off. Needless to say, RoboCop doesn’t make it very fucking far along the tightrope. RoboCop actually takes a few steps and starts to wobble. Then RoboCop falls on the fucking crowd, killing two, injuring three, and requiring a full refund for all attendees PLUS A FUCKING FREE BAG OF POPCORN on the way out. Everyone thinks popcorn is a cash cow but the FUCKING MARGINS ARE SLIM and you’d be surprised what the distributors are charging these days THOSE ASSHOLES. So THAT SHIT HURTS when RoboCop falls on you. BELIEVE IT.

Anyway the short version is that RoboCop is attempting a “chocolate in my peanut butter” approach, mashing up SMART SCIENCE FICTION with STUPID DUMB ACTION and only does a fair-to-middling job at either one. In fact there are only like three action scenes in the whole fucking movie and in most of them ROBOCOP JUST WALKS THE FUCK AROUND A DARK WAREHOUSE. Jesus fuck, we couldn’t even get A FUTURISTIC DARK WAREHOUSE? The action is really boring, up until the end, at which point it becomes CGI-heavy and fucking fake, but less boring. RoboCop whiffs on the action, but actually gets the sci-fi part better, due in large part to the strong cast. My man Jose was able to sign up a whole bunch of acting powerhouses here, not to mention a pretty good list of supporting players: Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Earle Haley. Seriously, these guys FUCKING NAIL IT BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING PROS. They are such pros that they can hang with Omar from The Wire, who is the best actor of all time AND HIS NAME IS MICHAEL KENNETH WILLIAMS BUT HE WILL ALWAYS BE FUCKING OMAR TO ME. Even Jay Baruchel, in a small role as a marketing sleazebag, is awesome. You might forget for a minute that the movie is called RoboCop, which is about a ROBOT FUCKING COP, RIGHT? WHY ISN’T THERE MORE ROBOT COP ALL UP IN THIS BITCH SHOOTING GUYS IN THE FUCKING DICK?!?!?

For the record, here is RoboCop shooting guys in the fucking dick:

So I will tell you why RoboCop isn’t RoboCoppy enough: they cast a virtual unknown (Joel Kinnaman) in the title role, and he’s just not up to the task. Maybe THEY ACTUALLY WANTED ROBOTIC ACTING when casting a robot cop, but let me just tell you that THIS CREATIVE INSTINCT DID NOT PAN THE FUCK OUT THE WAY THEY WANTED. Joel Kinnaman — though not a bad actor, and quite possibly a GOOD ACTOR in his native Sweden — is simply unremarkable in every FUCKING WAY IMAGINABLE. He lends the hero little pathos, little humanity, and almost no badassery. Seriously, watch the beginning and TELL ME HE IS A GOOD FUCKING COP. He is a stupid, terrible cop! Why isn’t Omar AKA partner of RoboCop turning into RoboCop? NOW THAT IS SHIT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE BUT I AM TOO FUCKING LAZY TO PHOTOSHOP OMAR’S FACE ON ROBOCOP’S BODY.

Anyway poor Joel Kinnaman, in his defense he DOES HAVE some pretty steep acting challenges in this movie, like when he sees his body (such as it is) for the first fucking time after his accident:

robo lungs

Acting!

All I can say is: YIKES. They turn THAT into a fucking cop? FUCKING GROSS. Truth is that OmniCorp really missed an opportunity here. They should have licensed RoboCop to Vicks for LIKE A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS because that shit is MASCOT MONEY, PLAYA.

vicks-vapocop

Vicks brought to you by VapoCop (TM)

So yeah poor Joel Kinnaman, he needs to be the heart of this movie BUT HE’S ONLY HEAD AND LUNGS LOL. Peter Weller totally held it down in the original movie but Kinnaman can’t do the same, so that duty is passed along to Gary Oldman. Good ol’ Gary Oldman, last seen yelling at CGI apes in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is now yelling at CGI anatomical nightmares in RoboCop which is my way of saying GARY OLDMAN HAS COME A LONG FUCKING WAY SINCE BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA. Gary Oldman is legitimately great in this stupid fucking movie, he actually makes the whole enterprise of turning a person into a machine something loaded with scientific complexity and moral ambiguity. He’s almost a fucking genius until HE ORDERS THE ENTIRE DETROIT POLICE DATABASE UPLOADED TO ROBOCOP’S BRAIN LIKE 30 FUCKING SECONDS BEFORE HE IS GOING TO BE UNVEILED TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC AT A PRESS CONFERENCE. This is a gigantic asshole move and quite frankly the entire movie went out the fucking window for me at this point. Anyone who is not a fucking retarded idiot knows that the time to make drastic changes to your really fucking important presentation is NOT 30 FUCKING SECONDS BEFORE YOUR REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT PRESENTATION.

Everyone, apparently, except Gary Fucking Oldman in RoboCop.

So as usual this movie is loaded with bullshit but it’s also a pretty good watch. You can see it on Netflix and Amazon Prime streaming right now, so NO MORE EXCUSES, YOU BIG PUSSY. My feeling about RoboCop is basically the same as my feeling about losing my virginity: WELL THAT SHIT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT WORSE.

Chick’s Quick Pick: The Counselor

God dammit, is it March already? WHAT THE FUCK. Okay I was going to write up something real quick about The Counselor, which came out in 2013 and I watched like three weeks ago. Wanted to do this sooner but SORRY I HAVE A LIFE. Anyway, The Counselor has a ton going for it: good director (Ridley Scott), good cast (Michael Fassbender, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Javier Bardem), and good writer (Cormac McCarthy). Despite a loaded deck, THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING HORRIBLE. “But Chick,” you’re saying. “You can’t be fucking serious. All those actors and Ridley Fucking Scott and THE GUY WHO WROTE NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN AND THE ROAD? There is no way in hell this movie is a pile of shit.”

“Sorry,” I reply. “The movie is a big fucking pile of shit.”

counselor

And what is the worst kind of piece of shit movie? THE WORST KIND OF PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE IS THE PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE THAT THINKS IT IS A GOOD MOVIE. And let me be clear: this movie thinks it is doing God’s work. The Counselor is a movie about drug dealers, scumbags, and lowlife killers…but it is not satisfied with being simply a tale about a drug deal gone bad. OH FUCKING NO. That would be boring and stupid. As a result the criminals in this movie spew garbage like this:

JEFE

Yes. At the understanding that life is not going to take you back. You are the world you have created. And when you cease to exist, this world that you have created will also cease to exist. But for those with the understanding that they’re living the last days of the world, death acquires a different meaning. The extinction of all reality is a concept no resignation can encompass. And then, all the grand designs and all the grand plans will be finally exposed and

OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

The movie is full of bullshit dialogue like this. Full to the brim with bullshit like this. OVERFLOWING WITH BULLSHIT LIKE THIS. Cormac McCarthy apparently lives in a world where Mexican drug lords read Proust and amoral dickheads with mansions and pools have existential crises BEFORE AND AFTER they fuck their whores. I know that they are going for Shakespearean grandiosity here, but all they are pulling off is COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

Take Cameron Diaz, for example. POOR FUCKING CAMERON DIAZ. She is the femme fatale in this train wreck, and someone needs to tell this girl that SHE IS NOT 25 FUCKING YEARS OLD ANYMORE. I mean, YES SHE IS HOT but it’s getting a little uncomfortable watching this MILF parade around like your buddy’s mom doing a strip tease at his bar mitzvah. FUCK. THAT. So Cameron Diaz has the thankless angry whore role (AGAIN) and to add insult to injury the script calls for her to FUCK A CAR. “What do you mean, fuck a car?” I mean what I said which is CAMERON DIAZ HAS SEX WITH A CAR IN THE COUNSELOR.

cars fucking

I found this image on the Internet BECAUSE OF COURSE I DID.

Anyway so yeah, Cameron Diaz fucks a car. YOU THINK THIS MIGHT BE SEXY BUT IT IS AN OLD BROAD GRINDING HER PUSSY INTO A WINDSHIELD. I don’t know how else to say it SORRY. At the point this scene transpired, I really started to wonder if Ridley Scott was just fucking with me. “Heh heh I’m gonna make a movie where criminals talk like philosopher douchebag undergrads and nobody does anything that makes a lick of sense and then — MY CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT — will be Cameron Diaz sliding her vagina all over a Ferrari. IT WILL BE ART!!” Ridley Scott cried.

ART.

ART.

Basically a bunch of talented people just wasted their time (and mine) with this hunk of junk. But then I thought of something that Malkina, Cameron Diaz’s character, says in the movie. Wait, it’s all starting to make a fucked up kind of sense!!

MALKINA

I suspect that we are ill-formed for the path we have chosen. Ill-formed and ill-prepared. We would like to draw a veil over all the blood and terror that have brought us to this place. It is our faintness of heart that would close our eyes to all of that, but in so doing it makes of it 

OH MY GOD NEVERMIND SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS MOVIE IS GARBAGE!

Chick’s Pick: Jupiter Ascending

HOLY FUCK. Jupiter Ascending is the latest lovingly-crafted garbage pile from the Wachowskis, purveyors of previously-crafted garbage piles like Speed Racer and Cloud Atlas. Oh and yeah also the Matrix movies, ONE OF THE MOST INFLUENTIAL GARBAGE PILE TRILOGIES OF ALL TIME. Actually I kinda like the first Matrix, even though it came out when I was like five.

bullet meme

So you gotta hand it to the Wachowskis. THEY KNOW HOW TO MAKE A COOL-LOOKING MOVIE. I mean Jupiter Ascending looks fucking great. Not only that, they make movies that look fucking awesome AND ALSO don’t look like anything else you’ve seen before. THIS IS CALLED ORIGINALITY TAKE A FUCKING MEMO, HOLLYWOOD. The Wachowskis are all like, “We’ve seen all your spaceships, your spaceships fucking suck. Our spaceships are gonna look like CHURCHES WITH LASER WINGS so get the fuck out of here with your dumbass flying saucer rocket spaceships.” Damn I like their dedication to being fucking different. This kind of originality has made them INFLUENTIAL MOTHERFUCKERS. The Matrix spawned so many fucking ripoffs, the Wachowskis would have been able to buy A REAL-LIFE FLYING SPACE CATHEDRAL if they were actually collecting royalties.

Not the Matrix.

Not the Matrix.

So anyway Jupiter Ascending is gorgeous. But much like Mila Kunis, who has to hold down this turd fountain, Jupiter Ascending‘s beauty is skin-deep. Seriously let’s just start with Mila Fucking Kunis. This poor girl, what the fuck did she think she was signing up for here? IT’S LIKE SHE’S IN A DIFFERENT MOVIE FROM EVERYONE ELSE. Someone needs to fire her fucking agent FOR REAL. Mila Kunis is in this movie all like, “Gee I thought it was weird that the Wachowskis wanted to direct Forgetting Sarah Marshall 2 but it’s even weirder that the studio let them set it in outer space. Seems like an odd creative choice but OH WELL I’LL JUST FUCKING ROLL WITH IT.” Did ANYONE advise Mila Kunis that this is an epic, over-the-top space opera by the FUCKING WACHOWSKIS? You gotta bring your A-GAME, girlfriend. You are FLYING THROUGH FUCKING SPACE WITH TALKING DRAGON PEOPLE and you are acting like this is some kind of wacky romantic comedy, dick jokes and goofy misunderstandings included. Mila Kunis, honestly: you are super hot and the truth is you’re a pretty good actress BUT WHAT THE FUCK?!? I don’t know who to blame here. Macaulay Culkin? (Let’s face it, Mila Kunis has some questionable fucking taste.) But come on the Wachowskis SHOULD FUCKING KNOW BETTER. They have made a movie or two. Maybe the studio forced them to make this casting decision? Who the fuck knows. IT’S SERIOUSLY FUCKING MIND-BOGGLING and practically ruins the movie from frame fucking one.

An actual scene from Jupiter Ascending.

An actual scene from Jupiter Ascending.

So enough about poor little miscast Mila Kunis. What about the plot? CHICK, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MILA KUNIS ALREADY AND TELL ME ABOUT THE PLOT! Okay, I will but spoiler alert: IT BLOWS. Anyway it goes something like this: a boring, stupid, ordinary person stuck in their boring, stupid, ordinary life is visited by an all-knowing mysterious being who pulls back the curtain on the boring, stupid, ordinary world to reveal something mind-boggling and slightly crazy. Mysterious being then declares that everything we know is a lie and that aforementioned boring, stupid, ordinary person is going to save humanity because, hey, wouldn’t you know it? THEY ARE DESTINED FOR SOMETHING GREATER. But hang on a sec, first the bad guys — who basically treat human beings like a disposable resource — are gonna need a swift kick in the balls. HOLY SHIT DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR TO ANYONE?

keanu ascending

I get it, I get it. THIS IS THE HERO’S JOURNEY, everyone does this, they have to do it, George Fucking Lucas read Joseph Campbell, it’s the way this shit goes down. I FUCKING GET IT, SHUT THE FUCK UP. I can forgive the slavish devotion modern filmmakers have for the hero’s journey, because the hero’s journey WORKS. People get into that shit. IT’S WHY BILBO BAGGINS WAS DESTINED FOR SOMETHING GREATER. What if Bilbo Baggins was destined for something stupid? Would you want to see the movie There and Back Again: Bilbo Has Diarrhea? No you wouldn’t because NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT FUCKING MOVIE. So hero’s journey, blah blah blah, that’s fine. Cinema trades in the economy of storytelling and fuck, you gotta do what you gotta do. We only have two hours or so to get this shit run-and-done, gotta keep things moving. But Wachowskis, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. You couldn’t try just A LITTLE BIT HARDER? Warner Bros. gave you like 300 gabillion dollars and your pitch goes like this, “It’s the Matrix but with space werewolves!” And Warner Bros. goes, “PASS ME MY CHECK BOOK. HOW MANY GABILLIONS DID YOU SAY AGAIN?”

fig. 1. The Hero's Journey

fig. 1. The Hero’s Journey

Oh shit I forgot to mention that Channing Tatum plays the space werewolf! His name is Caine Wise BECAUSE THAT IS A NAME THAT SPACE WEREWOLVES HAVE. For real, you gotta give it up for Channing Tatum. This guy is the Ice Cube of the acting world because homeboy is DOWN FOR WHATEVER. He does comedy (Jump Street), he does serious (Foxcatcher), he does big action (White House Down), and he even does stripping-as-social-commentary (Magic Mike) and he does it all with a big fucking HOW-CAN-I-FUCKING-HELP-YOU GRIN. Channing Tatum can do ANYTHING. I would hate his fucking guts if he wasn’t so willing to please. When the Wachowskis told Channing Tatum that he was going to be a fucking space werewolf, Channing Tatum goes, “Sounds cool. Hang on, let me grab my vampire teeth. What time do you need me?” Channing Tatum is the guy that every girl likes and every dude wants to be. One day maybe you catch him talking to your girlfriend and you are all ready TO STRANGLE CHANNING TATUM TO DEATH for macking on your girl but then you find out that he was just giving her some real heartfelt relationship advice because, damn, he thinks you two make a great couple and he just wants you guys to be happy. BECAUSE CHANNING TATUM GOT YOUR FUCKING BACK. As a result, Channing Tatum (because he is so awesome) manages to skate through Jupiter Ascending with his dignity intact because every time he’s on screen you know he’s thinking to himself, “Yup. I’m a space werewolf. Just another day for Channing Tatum. Let’s kill some dragon aliens.”

Oh by the way, when I say “skate” I mean SPACE SKATING.

Channing Tatum space skating through Chicago like a boss.

Channing Tatum space skating through Chicago like a boss.

No one will ever accuse the Wachowskis of by-the-numbers action sequences. Jupiter Ascending has eye-popping action out the ying-yang and you will not be disappointed. Hell even Matrix Reloaded has the most awesome highway chase maybe ever put to film, and also it’s brought to you by Cadillac BECAUSE THIS IS THE FUTURE OF ADVERTISING. Remember what I said back at the beginning of this bullshit that the Wachowskis want to show audiences things that they haven’t seen before? ALLOW ME TO PRESENT: SPACE SKATES. This shit is awesome to watch and the Wachowskis make it look like the most obvious thing that’s been right in front of our noses all along, just waiting for someone to put it on the screen. As Channing Tatum skates across the Chicago skyline catching Mila Kunis while crosschecking alien assholes you will ask yourself, “Why didn’t anyone ever do space skating before? THIS FUCKING RULES.” Well, they didn’t do it before BECAUSE THE WACHOWSKIS HADN’T INVENTED IT YET, FUCKTARD. Now that they have, brace yourselves and get ready for all the space skating ripoff movies. You know they are coming.

Too bad the awesome action (and sweet orchestral score) can’t save this shit show. Much like Christopher Nolan, the Wachowskis like to tackle heady themes in their movies. They do this with a commendable earnestness that borders on humorless, but that’s okay because JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE HAS TO ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS. For example: Why are we here? What gives human beings their purpose? Is there life on other planets? And: Will Sean Bean continue to talk in that fucking brogue? BECAUSE I CAN’T UNDERSTAND A FUCKING WORD HE IS SAYING. Wait nevermind, here’s what he said: “Bees are genetically engineered to recognize royalty.” Huh, I still don’t understand what the hell he is talking about. You know what, Sean Bean? JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP. Your character’s name is Stinger and you like bees WE GET IT. Like Caine Wise, Stinger is a SPLICE, meaning that his human DNA has been spliced with bee DNA making him a SUPERHUMAN SPACE BEE. Nevertheless, Stinger does not actually have wings, nor does he have a fucking stinger, or really any other powers other than being unintelligible. SO WHAT MAKES HIM A BEE PERSON? Is he just really annoying at picnics? FUCK THIS MOVIE.

Genetic engineering is a central theme of this film, which feels timely and appropriate in the context of a science fiction space epic. Too bad the Wachowskis BURY THE ACTUAL COOL PART in an incomprehensible family melodrama that NO ONE CAN FOLLOW OR GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT. Something about how the “haves” in this universe live for thousands of years like space vampires and supply the “have nots” with DNA soup that gives the skin a soft, supple glow right before you get harvested for your DNA like human sustainable agriculture because HA HA IT’S ALL ABOUT SPACE CAPITALISM, PASS ME THE GENETICALLY-MODIFIED SPACE PEACHES BROUGHT TO YOU BY MONSANTO. I’m not a Hollywood insider or anything and I don’t honestly know how this shit goes down but DOES ANYONE READ THESE FUCKING SCRIPTS BEFOREHAND? How do you spend all this money on all this amazing art direction and cool fucking space aliens and badass ships with metal wings and space skates and then have your characters say shit like this:

CAINE

Your majesty, I have more in common with a dog
than I have with you.

JUPITER JONES

I love dogs. I’ve always loved dogs.

Someone with a brain in their skull needs to tell the Wachowskis to STOP WRITING MOVIE SCRIPTS. Just fucking stop, okay? STOP. IT. Jupiter Ascending is like making “fuck me” eye contact with a super model from across the room, she looks fucking amazing, only when you actually go up and talk to her she sounds like Fran Drescher. “YOU WANNA GO SOMEWHERES PRIVATE WHERE WE CAN TAWK? HEHEHEHE.” Oh God GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. If we can all agree that the Wachowskis are amazing visual artists but terrible writers CAN SOMEONE JUST GIVE THEM AN AWESOME SCRIPT ALREADY? Just imagine if the Wachowskis got their hands on Avengers 3 or Justice League or some shit from comic book land. THAT SHIT WOULD BE FUCKING OFF THE HOOK INCREDIBLE. Sony should give them Spider-Man. But it won’t happen because the Wachowskis are way up their own asses getting fucking high on their own supply. Sony calls up and says, “Hey Wachowskis, you wanna make the next Spider-Man movies and make like a gazillion dollars?” And the Wachowskis go, “No thanks, Sony. We’ve got this 600 pages of science fiction trilogy about a boring, stupid, ordinary veterinarian who learns that when people aren’t looking dogs are actually conspiring to overthrow the stock exchange with mind control SO YEAH SORRY WE’RE FUCKING BUSY.” Phone slam.

More like Jupiter Descending LOL

More like Jupiter Descending LOL

Seriously I could write a Masters thesis on this fucking movie, but I have actual things to do. However I would be FUCKING REMISS if I did not at least MENTION Eddie Redmayne’s performance as the movie’s villain, Balem Abrasax. (Great name LOL.) Redmayne delivers ONE OF THE MOST GLORIOUSLY STRAIGHT-UP DEMENTED PERFORMANCES I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN IN MY LIFE. It’s like the Wachowskis provided the following direction: “Okay Eddie we are so psyched you are part of this movie. Anyway so you are a like a bored rich kid with a mean streak and you’re in space and you’re like ten thousand years old so you’re like SUPER BORED. Also you’re full of homosexual rage that is just bottled up deep inside like a can of Diet Coke that we rolled down the stairs so every once and a while just SCREAM YOUR LINES at the top of your lungs for no reason. But then also whisper your other lines like you just had a laryngectomy a few hours ago. (Pause.) Oh and don’t forget, you killed your mom.” Eddie Redmayne chews the Jupiter Ascending scenery SO FUCKING HARD that I am 100% certain he was shitting gaffer tape for weeks. I cannot stress this enough: EDDIE REDMAYNE’S PERFORMANCE IS WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION DO NOT MISS IT. He makes Joaquin Phoenix’s bored, sexually-deviant dictator in Gladiator look like the FUCKING PINNACLE OF ACTING RESTRAINT.

You're not the only one, Eddie.

You’re not the only one, Eddie.

Like I said, I could go on and on and on. We didn’t even get to the alien dinosaurs (and their leather jackets), the low-gravity space orgy, the elephant pilot guy, the “DMV” sequence, the wedding at the end that unintentionally pays homage to The Graduate…DID I MENTION THAT THIS MOVIE IS TOTALLY FUCKING BONKERS? You’re asking yourself, “Should I see Jupiter Ascending?” The answer is an unqualified YES. Will you have a good time? OH FUCK YES. But is Jupiter Ascending a good movie? HALE NO!! It is a dung heap. A fantastic, expensive, off-the-rails dung heap ride straight to Wackytown. And you will enjoy every fucking minute of it.

Chick’s Pick: Black Mirror

No, I didn’t fuck up my resolution. I know I created this blog like two weeks ago, and then I didn’t post shit. SO WHAT. No one is reading it yet. I just got back from class and realized I have a window of opportunity, so here we are. HAPPY NOW ASSHOLES?

Unless you are currently in an induced coma, someone you know has probably come up to you recently and said, “OH MY GOD HAVE YOU WATCHED BLACK MIRROR?” If you are not in a coma, you probably reply, “No. What the fuck is Black Mirror?” If you are not in a coma, but you are an asshole, you reply, “Yes it came out like five years ago on the BBC, where have you been?” Then you sigh heavily, roll your eyes, and go back to reading your anime graphic novel about homosexual pirates or whatever AND I PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING EAR FOR BEING A NERD FUCKTARD.

Anyway. At least one person in the last month has posted on your Facebook: “OMG. Mind, consider yourself blown.” And then a link to Black Mirror on Netflix. I know this to be the case. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. But in the event that you have not somehow heard of Black Mirror, let me describe this shit to you: Black Mirror is an anthology sci-fi/horror show, a la The Twilight Zone, that deals with the theme of how technology influences our lives today, mostly by imagining how technology MIGHT influence our lives in the not-too-distant future. AKA THIS SHIT IS TOPICAL. Some British guy was walking down the street all like, “Blimey, I spend more time texting me mates than actually meeting them for a pint. THIS WOULD MAKE A GREAT SHOW FOR THE TELLY!” Then he doffed his hat, said “Cheerio!” and flew off into the sky clutching an umbrella BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY DO WHEN THEY MAKE SHOWS FOR THE BBC. “I’ve uploaded meself to the cloud wot wot!”

If you’re not an old person you may never have heard of The Twilight Zone. That is fine. I am here to guide you. One of the most famous Twilight Zone episodes was about an old guy who only wants to read books. That’s all he wants to do. Read fucking books. Want to go to the beach? NOPE, JUST BOOKS. Want a handjob? THANKS VERY MUCH BUT BOOKS ARE FINE. How about just a tickle? I FUCKING ALREADY TOLD YOU NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Motherfucker loves his books, in other words. Then the apocalypse arrives. Then this happens:

I CALL BULLSHIT FOR SO MANY REASONS. First of all, HE STILL NEEDS TO EAT. If he doesn’t have any food or water, he will only be reading books for about the next 48 hours, and then only after that in EXTREME FUCKING DISCOMFORT. So okay, let’s assume he raids the grocery store and can eat for a good long time. Or forever. Doesn’t matter. Point is: there is a grocery store. And if there is a grocery store…then THERE IS A FUCKING LENSCRAFTERS. Just get another pair of glasses, asshole. Finally, he sat down funny on the steps and SUDDENLY HIS GLASSES FLY OFF AND SHATTER IN A MILLION FUCKING PIECES. What were glasses made of back then? Tissue paper? And also: fuck this guy, he can’t SIT DOWN ON STEPS without his glasses flying off his face like a fucking retard?

The Twilight Zone is old bullshit, in other words. Don’t worry about it.

Anyway, Black Mirror. It’s pretty cool. But check this out: there are only six episodes. “Oh, so it’s like a miniseries?” asks a reasonable fucking person. NOPE. Those six episodes are TWO SEASONS of Black Mirror. “Sorry, Guv!” says Black Mirror. “You’re daft if you think I’m doing more than three bloody episodes this season!” Well I say: FUCK YOU, BLACK MIRROR. You are barely one half of a season, so FUCK OFF. You are like the pimple on the tip of Law & Order‘s dick. You are six one-hour episodes, and you are FULL OF FUCKING SHIT. Please do not hand me a leaf of lettuce and tell me it is a club fucking sandwich. I WILL KILL YOU AND THE WHOLE MIRROR FAMILY.

Here is Black Mirror putting the finishing touches on a house.

Here is Black Mirror putting the finishing touches on a house.

So if you can get past the idea that six episodes are TWO SEASONS of this show (LOL) then you will probably enjoy yourself. All the episodes are pretty fucking interesting. AND YES I KNOW THERE IS A CHRISTMAS EPISODE STARRING DON DRAPER BUT IT IS NOT ON NETFLIX SO FUCK OFF. Here is a summary of the first six episodes of Black Mirror. SPOILER ALERT: THERE ARE NO MIRRORS.

BLACK MIRROR SUMMARY:

  1. “The National Anthem” — a princess gets kidnapped and she will die unless the Prime Minister fucks a pig in the ass on national television. I WOULD FUCK A PIG FOR FREE. Whatever, social media, blah blah blah.
  2. “Fifteen Million Merits” — it’s the future and everyone rides stationary bikes for a living. But if they win American Idol, they don’t have to ride the bike anymore. But they might have to become a porn star. THIS MEANS SOMETHING.
  3. “The Entire History of You” — it’s the future and everyone records everything they see on a chip behind their ear. It would seem to me that the criminal justice system would be a teensy bit different in this world, but no it’s all about WHO IS MY WIFE FUCKING?
  4. “Be Right Back” — this lady with nice tits loses her husband in a car crash so she uses all his social media data to program a robot that acts like him. Maybe if Facebook sluts were programmed with their social media data they would actually GIVE UP THE PUSSY FOR A CHANGE.
  5. “White Bear” — a woman wakes up in a room and she doesn’t know where she is and then suddenly people are shooting at her and then she escapes but then she winds up in the room and does it all over again. Fucking stupid.
  6. “The Waldo Moment” — this is where my avatar comes from. Waldo is a cartoon character voiced by a stand-up comic. Waldo tells everyone to go fuck themselves, and then suddenly he is elected president. THIS IS MY DESIRED CAREER PATH.

Black Mirror is interesting and well-done, but like most things that idiots gush over, IT IS NOT THE BEST FUCKING THING EVER MADE. (That honor still goes to Dreamcatcher, starring the space worm that came out of Jason Lee’s asshole.) Each episode of Black Mirror feels like its own little mini-movie, which makes it an excellent choice for a quick watch here and there. If you binge-watch them all at once, probably the individual episodes will lose some of their impact. But: if you happen to be one of those people that has been wanting a show about old British dudes fucking farm animals THEN YOUR SHIP HAS FUCKING COME IN.

New Year, Same Internet

My name is Chick. I’m a freshman in college. I fucking love movies. This year, I made a resolution. Mostly I think New Year’s resolutions are fucking stupid. If you want to do something different or change your behavior, why do you need a special day to do that? Just do it. Or don’t. Picking a specific day to make a significant change is just setting yourself up for disaster. Not to mention that every other idiot is also trying to do the same bullshit. I am not special. But I will tell you something that I am also not: A FUCKING IDIOT. Unlike practically everyone else. It was this sentiment, this fucking CERTAINTY, that inspired my resolution: start a blog.

Not very original, I know. SO FUCKING WHAT, I didn’t tell you to come read this shit. Let me elaborate a little bit. We begin with Chick’s Law #1, which states: EVERYONE ELSE IS A FUCKING IDIOT. You may ask, “But Chick, where is your evidence for this notion of scientific certitude?” Allow me to present Exhibit 1A: THE ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET. Yes, the Internet. (Which I learned is capitalized according to the AP Style Guide WOW YOU JUST LEARNED SOMETHING.) Arriving on the cusp of the 21st Century, the Internet heralded the arrival of a new age of connectivity, brought with it the promise of boundless information, AND GAVE US FUCKING CAT FAIL VIDEOS.

This one is my fucking favorite, by the way.

Pretty much everything online is created BY idiots, FOR idiots, or both. Discourse has devolved into a series of memes, catch phrases, and fucking pop culture references. Why? BECAUSE THE INTERNET THAT’S WHY LOLOLOL.

LOL

I will give you a relevant example: Uwe Boll. Everyone hates Uwe Fucking Boll. He is THE WORST DIRECTOR OF ALL TIME. He makes THE WORST MOVIES OF ALL TIME. He is an Internet punchline. He deserves to die. He should be butt raped by a gorilla. HIS MOTHER should be butt raped by the gorilla’s mother in a strap-on. HE IS THE WORST THE FUCKING WORST HE SHOULD BE DEAD!!! But do you know what Uwe Boll has to say to all of your shit?

HATERS GONNA HATE

Uwe Boll and his opinion of you.

I have watched most of his movies, and here is what I discovered: they are bad. BUT THEY ARE NOT THE WORST. Some of them are enjoyably bad, and some of them are just fucking bad. SO FUCKING WHAT. He makes a lot of them. I mean, like 2-3 movies per year. THE GUY IS A FUCKING WORKHORSE. I bet he works cheap, too. And returns a tidy sum to himself and his investors so he can go out and make more shitty movies. But guess what? HE IS DOING WHAT HE WANTS AND HE IS MAKING FUCKING MOVIES. What have you done, Internet? Sat on your stupid ass and spewed your stupid bullshit, as usual. WHO NEEDS TO BE ASS RAPED BY A GORILLA NOW LOL???

Well as of last year I had decided that I had reached my fucking Internet limit. I was supersaturated with stupidity. I had achieved CRITICAL FUCKING MASS. I mean it was actually affecting my life, my mood, my whole view of the world. “But Chick,” asked nobody, “what are you going to do about it?” So I was home over the holidays and I asked myself this very question. I thought about it so much I couldn’t fucking sleep. As I lay in the dark of my boyhood bedroom, staring up at the fucking ceiling, I realized two things that I really hate:

  1. People who constantly complain about shit but don’t do anything about it
  2. THE ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET

Please note that Item #1 and Item #2 are more or less the same thing, and I was not going to be an accomplice to either one. But then it hit me: YOU ARE PART OF THE SOLUTION OR YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. Yes, this is a fucking stupid cliche that moms post to their Facebooks.

Also: if you can dream it, you can do it.

Also: if you can dream it, you can do it.

However in this case IT HAPPENED TO BE FUCKING TRUE. Oh my God, I was in a panic. I think I had an actual panic attack, if I am being honest. LET’S GET REAL FOR A SECOND. To no longer be part of this aforementioned problem, I realized that I would need to delete my accounts, throw away my laptop, and only correspond via postcards and/or carrier pigeon. OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS NOT A REALISTIC SCENARIO. I am not a fucking idiot, remember?

So I decided that my 2015 New Year’s resolution was to start a blog. It took me a minute, but here it is. MY BLOG. Read it or don’t read it. YOU MADE IT THIS FAR WHY STOP NOW. My mission is to review movies and games and TV and shit and not be an idiot. Welcome…to the real world.