My name is Chick. I’m a freshman in college. I fucking love movies. This year, I made a resolution. Mostly I think New Year’s resolutions are fucking stupid. If you want to do something different or change your behavior, why do you need a special day to do that? Just do it. Or don’t. Picking a specific day to make a significant change is just setting yourself up for disaster. Not to mention that every other idiot is also trying to do the same bullshit. I am not special. But I will tell you something that I am also not: A FUCKING IDIOT. Unlike practically everyone else. It was this sentiment, this fucking CERTAINTY, that inspired my resolution: start a blog.
Not very original, I know. SO FUCKING WHAT, I didn’t tell you to come read this shit. Let me elaborate a little bit. We begin with Chick’s Law #1, which states: EVERYONE ELSE IS A FUCKING IDIOT. You may ask, “But Chick, where is your evidence for this notion of scientific certitude?” Allow me to present Exhibit 1A: THE ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET. Yes, the Internet. (Which I learned is capitalized according to the AP Style Guide WOW YOU JUST LEARNED SOMETHING.) Arriving on the cusp of the 21st Century, the Internet heralded the arrival of a new age of connectivity, brought with it the promise of boundless information, AND GAVE US FUCKING CAT FAIL VIDEOS.
This one is my fucking favorite, by the way.
Pretty much everything online is created BY idiots, FOR idiots, or both. Discourse has devolved into a series of memes, catch phrases, and fucking pop culture references. Why? BECAUSE THE INTERNET THAT’S WHY LOLOLOL.
I will give you a relevant example: Uwe Boll. Everyone hates Uwe Fucking Boll. He is THE WORST DIRECTOR OF ALL TIME. He makes THE WORST MOVIES OF ALL TIME. He is an Internet punchline. He deserves to die. He should be butt raped by a gorilla. HIS MOTHER should be butt raped by the gorilla’s mother in a strap-on. HE IS THE WORST THE FUCKING WORST HE SHOULD BE DEAD!!! But do you know what Uwe Boll has to say to all of your shit?
I have watched most of his movies, and here is what I discovered: they are bad. BUT THEY ARE NOT THE WORST. Some of them are enjoyably bad, and some of them are just fucking bad. SO FUCKING WHAT. He makes a lot of them. I mean, like 2-3 movies per year. THE GUY IS A FUCKING WORKHORSE. I bet he works cheap, too. And returns a tidy sum to himself and his investors so he can go out and make more shitty movies. But guess what? HE IS DOING WHAT HE WANTS AND HE IS MAKING FUCKING MOVIES. What have you done, Internet? Sat on your stupid ass and spewed your stupid bullshit, as usual. WHO NEEDS TO BE ASS RAPED BY A GORILLA NOW LOL???
Well as of last year I had decided that I had reached my fucking Internet limit. I was supersaturated with stupidity. I had achieved CRITICAL FUCKING MASS. I mean it was actually affecting my life, my mood, my whole view of the world. “But Chick,” asked nobody, “what are you going to do about it?” So I was home over the holidays and I asked myself this very question. I thought about it so much I couldn’t fucking sleep. As I lay in the dark of my boyhood bedroom, staring up at the fucking ceiling, I realized two things that I really hate:
- People who constantly complain about shit but don’t do anything about it
- THE ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET
Please note that Item #1 and Item #2 are more or less the same thing, and I was not going to be an accomplice to either one. But then it hit me: YOU ARE PART OF THE SOLUTION OR YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. Yes, this is a fucking stupid cliche that moms post to their Facebooks.
However in this case IT HAPPENED TO BE FUCKING TRUE. Oh my God, I was in a panic. I think I had an actual panic attack, if I am being honest. LET’S GET REAL FOR A SECOND. To no longer be part of this aforementioned problem, I realized that I would need to delete my accounts, throw away my laptop, and only correspond via postcards and/or carrier pigeon. OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS NOT A REALISTIC SCENARIO. I am not a fucking idiot, remember?
So I decided that my 2015 New Year’s resolution was to start a blog. It took me a minute, but here it is. MY BLOG. Read it or don’t read it. YOU MADE IT THIS FAR WHY STOP NOW. My mission is to review movies and games and TV and shit and not be an idiot. Welcome…to the real world.