Chick’s Quick Pick: The Counselor

God dammit, is it March already? WHAT THE FUCK. Okay I was going to write up something real quick about The Counselor, which came out in 2013 and I watched like three weeks ago. Wanted to do this sooner but SORRY I HAVE A LIFE. Anyway, The Counselor has a ton going for it: good director (Ridley Scott), good cast (Michael Fassbender, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Javier Bardem), and good writer (Cormac McCarthy). Despite a loaded deck, THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING HORRIBLE. “But Chick,” you’re saying. “You can’t be fucking serious. All those actors and Ridley Fucking Scott and THE GUY WHO WROTE NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN AND THE ROAD? There is no way in hell this movie is a pile of shit.”

“Sorry,” I reply. “The movie is a big fucking pile of shit.”

counselor

And what is the worst kind of piece of shit movie? THE WORST KIND OF PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE IS THE PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE THAT THINKS IT IS A GOOD MOVIE. And let me be clear: this movie thinks it is doing God’s work. The Counselor is a movie about drug dealers, scumbags, and lowlife killers…but it is not satisfied with being simply a tale about a drug deal gone bad. OH FUCKING NO. That would be boring and stupid. As a result the criminals in this movie spew garbage like this:

JEFE

Yes. At the understanding that life is not going to take you back. You are the world you have created. And when you cease to exist, this world that you have created will also cease to exist. But for those with the understanding that they’re living the last days of the world, death acquires a different meaning. The extinction of all reality is a concept no resignation can encompass. And then, all the grand designs and all the grand plans will be finally exposed and

OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

The movie is full of bullshit dialogue like this. Full to the brim with bullshit like this. OVERFLOWING WITH BULLSHIT LIKE THIS. Cormac McCarthy apparently lives in a world where Mexican drug lords read Proust and amoral dickheads with mansions and pools have existential crises BEFORE AND AFTER they fuck their whores. I know that they are going for Shakespearean grandiosity here, but all they are pulling off is COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

Take Cameron Diaz, for example. POOR FUCKING CAMERON DIAZ. She is the femme fatale in this train wreck, and someone needs to tell this girl that SHE IS NOT 25 FUCKING YEARS OLD ANYMORE. I mean, YES SHE IS HOT but it’s getting a little uncomfortable watching this MILF parade around like your buddy’s mom doing a strip tease at his bar mitzvah. FUCK. THAT. So Cameron Diaz has the thankless angry whore role (AGAIN) and to add insult to injury the script calls for her to FUCK A CAR. “What do you mean, fuck a car?” I mean what I said which is CAMERON DIAZ HAS SEX WITH A CAR IN THE COUNSELOR.

cars fucking

I found this image on the Internet BECAUSE OF COURSE I DID.

Anyway so yeah, Cameron Diaz fucks a car. YOU THINK THIS MIGHT BE SEXY BUT IT IS AN OLD BROAD GRINDING HER PUSSY INTO A WINDSHIELD. I don’t know how else to say it SORRY. At the point this scene transpired, I really started to wonder if Ridley Scott was just fucking with me. “Heh heh I’m gonna make a movie where criminals talk like philosopher douchebag undergrads and nobody does anything that makes a lick of sense and then — MY CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT — will be Cameron Diaz sliding her vagina all over a Ferrari. IT WILL BE ART!!” Ridley Scott cried.

ART.

ART.

Basically a bunch of talented people just wasted their time (and mine) with this hunk of junk. But then I thought of something that Malkina, Cameron Diaz’s character, says in the movie. Wait, it’s all starting to make a fucked up kind of sense!!

MALKINA

I suspect that we are ill-formed for the path we have chosen. Ill-formed and ill-prepared. We would like to draw a veil over all the blood and terror that have brought us to this place. It is our faintness of heart that would close our eyes to all of that, but in so doing it makes of it 

OH MY GOD NEVERMIND SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS MOVIE IS GARBAGE!

New Year, Same Internet

My name is Chick. I’m a freshman in college. I fucking love movies. This year, I made a resolution. Mostly I think New Year’s resolutions are fucking stupid. If you want to do something different or change your behavior, why do you need a special day to do that? Just do it. Or don’t. Picking a specific day to make a significant change is just setting yourself up for disaster. Not to mention that every other idiot is also trying to do the same bullshit. I am not special. But I will tell you something that I am also not: A FUCKING IDIOT. Unlike practically everyone else. It was this sentiment, this fucking CERTAINTY, that inspired my resolution: start a blog.

Not very original, I know. SO FUCKING WHAT, I didn’t tell you to come read this shit. Let me elaborate a little bit. We begin with Chick’s Law #1, which states: EVERYONE ELSE IS A FUCKING IDIOT. You may ask, “But Chick, where is your evidence for this notion of scientific certitude?” Allow me to present Exhibit 1A: THE ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET. Yes, the Internet. (Which I learned is capitalized according to the AP Style Guide WOW YOU JUST LEARNED SOMETHING.) Arriving on the cusp of the 21st Century, the Internet heralded the arrival of a new age of connectivity, brought with it the promise of boundless information, AND GAVE US FUCKING CAT FAIL VIDEOS.

This one is my fucking favorite, by the way.

Pretty much everything online is created BY idiots, FOR idiots, or both. Discourse has devolved into a series of memes, catch phrases, and fucking pop culture references. Why? BECAUSE THE INTERNET THAT’S WHY LOLOLOL.

LOL

I will give you a relevant example: Uwe Boll. Everyone hates Uwe Fucking Boll. He is THE WORST DIRECTOR OF ALL TIME. He makes THE WORST MOVIES OF ALL TIME. He is an Internet punchline. He deserves to die. He should be butt raped by a gorilla. HIS MOTHER should be butt raped by the gorilla’s mother in a strap-on. HE IS THE WORST THE FUCKING WORST HE SHOULD BE DEAD!!! But do you know what Uwe Boll has to say to all of your shit?

HATERS GONNA HATE

Uwe Boll and his opinion of you.

I have watched most of his movies, and here is what I discovered: they are bad. BUT THEY ARE NOT THE WORST. Some of them are enjoyably bad, and some of them are just fucking bad. SO FUCKING WHAT. He makes a lot of them. I mean, like 2-3 movies per year. THE GUY IS A FUCKING WORKHORSE. I bet he works cheap, too. And returns a tidy sum to himself and his investors so he can go out and make more shitty movies. But guess what? HE IS DOING WHAT HE WANTS AND HE IS MAKING FUCKING MOVIES. What have you done, Internet? Sat on your stupid ass and spewed your stupid bullshit, as usual. WHO NEEDS TO BE ASS RAPED BY A GORILLA NOW LOL???

Well as of last year I had decided that I had reached my fucking Internet limit. I was supersaturated with stupidity. I had achieved CRITICAL FUCKING MASS. I mean it was actually affecting my life, my mood, my whole view of the world. “But Chick,” asked nobody, “what are you going to do about it?” So I was home over the holidays and I asked myself this very question. I thought about it so much I couldn’t fucking sleep. As I lay in the dark of my boyhood bedroom, staring up at the fucking ceiling, I realized two things that I really hate:

  1. People who constantly complain about shit but don’t do anything about it
  2. THE ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET

Please note that Item #1 and Item #2 are more or less the same thing, and I was not going to be an accomplice to either one. But then it hit me: YOU ARE PART OF THE SOLUTION OR YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. Yes, this is a fucking stupid cliche that moms post to their Facebooks.

Also: if you can dream it, you can do it.

Also: if you can dream it, you can do it.

However in this case IT HAPPENED TO BE FUCKING TRUE. Oh my God, I was in a panic. I think I had an actual panic attack, if I am being honest. LET’S GET REAL FOR A SECOND. To no longer be part of this aforementioned problem, I realized that I would need to delete my accounts, throw away my laptop, and only correspond via postcards and/or carrier pigeon. OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS NOT A REALISTIC SCENARIO. I am not a fucking idiot, remember?

So I decided that my 2015 New Year’s resolution was to start a blog. It took me a minute, but here it is. MY BLOG. Read it or don’t read it. YOU MADE IT THIS FAR WHY STOP NOW. My mission is to review movies and games and TV and shit and not be an idiot. Welcome…to the real world.