God dammit, is it March already? WHAT THE FUCK. Okay I was going to write up something real quick about The Counselor, which came out in 2013 and I watched like three weeks ago. Wanted to do this sooner but SORRY I HAVE A LIFE. Anyway, The Counselor has a ton going for it: good director (Ridley Scott), good cast (Michael Fassbender, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Javier Bardem), and good writer (Cormac McCarthy). Despite a loaded deck, THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING HORRIBLE. “But Chick,” you’re saying. “You can’t be fucking serious. All those actors and Ridley Fucking Scott and THE GUY WHO WROTE NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN AND THE ROAD? There is no way in hell this movie is a pile of shit.”

“Sorry,” I reply. “The movie is a big fucking pile of shit.”

And what is the worst kind of piece of shit movie? THE WORST KIND OF PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE IS THE PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE THAT THINKS IT IS A GOOD MOVIE. And let me be clear: this movie thinks it is doing God’s work. The Counselor is a movie about drug dealers, scumbags, and lowlife killers…but it is not satisfied with being simply a tale about a drug deal gone bad. OH FUCKING NO. That would be boring and stupid. As a result the criminals in this movie spew garbage like this:

JEFE

Yes. At the understanding that life is not going to take you back. You are the world you have created. And when you cease to exist, this world that you have created will also cease to exist. But for those with the understanding that they’re living the last days of the world, death acquires a different meaning. The extinction of all reality is a concept no resignation can encompass. And then, all the grand designs and all the grand plans will be finally exposed and

OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

The movie is full of bullshit dialogue like this. Full to the brim with bullshit like this. OVERFLOWING WITH BULLSHIT LIKE THIS. Cormac McCarthy apparently lives in a world where Mexican drug lords read Proust and amoral dickheads with mansions and pools have existential crises BEFORE AND AFTER they fuck their whores. I know that they are going for Shakespearean grandiosity here, but all they are pulling off is COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

Take Cameron Diaz, for example. POOR FUCKING CAMERON DIAZ. She is the femme fatale in this train wreck, and someone needs to tell this girl that SHE IS NOT 25 FUCKING YEARS OLD ANYMORE. I mean, YES SHE IS HOT but it’s getting a little uncomfortable watching this MILF parade around like your buddy’s mom doing a strip tease at his bar mitzvah. FUCK. THAT. So Cameron Diaz has the thankless angry whore role (AGAIN) and to add insult to injury the script calls for her to FUCK A CAR. “What do you mean, fuck a car?” I mean what I said which is CAMERON DIAZ HAS SEX WITH A CAR IN THE COUNSELOR.

Anyway so yeah, Cameron Diaz fucks a car. YOU THINK THIS MIGHT BE SEXY BUT IT IS AN OLD BROAD GRINDING HER PUSSY INTO A WINDSHIELD. I don’t know how else to say it SORRY. At the point this scene transpired, I really started to wonder if Ridley Scott was just fucking with me. “Heh heh I’m gonna make a movie where criminals talk like philosopher douchebag undergrads and nobody does anything that makes a lick of sense and then — MY CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT — will be Cameron Diaz sliding her vagina all over a Ferrari. IT WILL BE ART!!” Ridley Scott cried.

Basically a bunch of talented people just wasted their time (and mine) with this hunk of junk. But then I thought of something that Malkina, Cameron Diaz’s character, says in the movie. Wait, it’s all starting to make a fucked up kind of sense!!

MALKINA

I suspect that we are ill-formed for the path we have chosen. Ill-formed and ill-prepared. We would like to draw a veil over all the blood and terror that have brought us to this place. It is our faintness of heart that would close our eyes to all of that, but in so doing it makes of it 

OH MY GOD NEVERMIND SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS MOVIE IS GARBAGE!